This is starting to get frustrating

I posted a few blogs back about some concerns I had in "believing vs. Knowing". I wrote I can't 100% say I "know" my religion is true. I didn't really get into it, other than my extreme dislike for defined gender roles. Thank you to those who replied. It did help me to read your responses.

This is where I'm struggling. I have a lot of questions, really deep questions I feel I won't progress until I know the answers to. And no one will answer them for me. They tiptoe around the sensitive topics, tell me it doesn't really matter, and to just pray/read my scriptures/go to church. But then again, maybe that's the only answer to give. Out of the three, prayer seems to be the only thing making a difference, even though I still feel like I need my questions answered. And maybe that in itself is an answer.

I honestly think everyone is too scared to face something that would make them question their faith in the slightest. And even if they were questioning, I don't think anyone would admit it.

So this is me admitting I'm questioning everything. Maybe if you are too, at least you don't have to feel as alone as I do in this.

And since no one in church seems to know or want to even consider anything, I hate to admit I've had to go to other sources. The stuff we're told to stay away from. I was desperate to find someone who might be having the same issues, and boy, did I find them. Now I'm just even more confused.

I can't live my life doubting, or being guilted into things, or being made to feel bad when I fall short. I think God has more on His plate to worry about then the silly petty things our church seems to get caught up in. So I'm on a quest for spiritual enlightenment. I need to know what I believe. Living off other people's testimonies isn't getting me anywhere. So I think I'm going to take a step back and really examine what my core beliefs actually are. Then try to build off that.

Once again, I know it's not what anyone wants to hear. I can only hope maybe I can help one person feel a little less alone if they have any of these struggles. It's kind of depressing to think how many people would disown me if they knew I had doubts, much less, act on them.

I'm really okay otherwise though. I just need to get this all sorted out, and soon.

Day 9: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

(this picture is really... really old. I think we're seniors in high school or something. But what a night! Elton John with the bestie!)

There are a ton of people who have gotten me through a lot of things. Judd especially. But when it comes to the person who has gotten me through the MOST, with the exception of my parents... that would have to be NewBurger.

You can call her Sasha. I've called her NewBurger or NewBocker for years, since people rarely can pronounce her awesome last name.

Sasha and I became friends when we took Sex Ed together our freshman year of high school. Fitting. That class is awkward as it is... but it was fun to have a friend to laugh it through with.

So we're celebrating ten years of friendship this year. Ten years of laughter, shopping trips, chocolate cake nights, theatre woes, stupid boyfriends, car rides, and so on.

Sasha is one of those people who is upfront and honest, but gentle at the same time. I've never felt judged around her, but I have been inspired to make changes from her good example. She gives really great advice on everything from fashion to relationships.

This one is to Sasha, one person I will always cherish!

I was born to be brave

It's slightly embarrassing that my new life slogan comes from a Lady Gaga song, but it floats my boat, so I'll deal with it.

I didn't use to be brave. I'd have moments, but I never had the self confidence necessary to prove it, up until a few years ago. I decided I was tired of living in fear of rejection. So I've tried to not let fear get in my way, and so far, it's worked out pretty well.

There's two letters I've been putting off writing for a long time. I've been terrified of rejection from the recipients. Both are letters of apology, but for very different reasons. I don't think either person would want to see me in person, so in the back of my head, I thought if I wrote them letters, perhaps I could make peace with myself and with those people.

One is to a boy I once loved. The other is to my grandmother.

I just finished what I think is the harder one, and that is to the boy, well, a man now. I screwed a lot of things up for him, caused a world of hurt, and it's literally haunted me for years. I have nightmares about it. I should have been a more supportive person. Instead, I let my own selfishness get in the way.

I've sent it off, and there's no turning back.

Now I need to re-humble myself for the next letter.

I'm an awful grand daughter. I have extremely weak relationships with my grandparents, which is pretty pathetic since most of them are still living. One of my grandmothers literally lives about five minutes from me, but I have had no contact with her for about two years.

It's not entirely my fault. She cut off contact with my family after a big fallout. But I feel like I should be the bigger person and maybe try to rekindle something, even if no one else will. Unlike the other letter, I have no idea what I even want to say. But I could start with "hello". I know she's been battling some illnesses for awhile. I hate that she's doing it alone, out of bitterness. I want her to know she has people who still love and care about her.

I guess life is just too short to let scared or negative feelings take over any kind of relationship. Even if these two don't write me back, I'll know I at least tried to make peace.

Day 8: A Picture that makes you laugh

These are four of my six bridesmaids: Dawn, Sasha, Celina, and Alex. I love the expressions on everyone's faces and I'm dying to know what they were looking at when this picture was taken!

Seriously, I love all of my bridesmaids to pieces. What incredible girls.

Thoughts on current events:

RIP Clarence Clemons. What a musical genius. The man could breathe life into a saxophone like no one else. For those who aren't familiar with the name, you've heard his saxophone in most Bruce Springsteen songs. He's another artist I can add to my list of people I wish I could have seen play a show. And this sucks, because unlike Freddy Mercury, I could have actually seen and appreciated Mr. Clemons.

Casey Anthony: did she or didn't she. Personally, I think she drugged poor little Caylee so she could go out partying, accidentally gave her too much, and panicked. Either that or she's a cold-blooded murderer.

Weinergate: While I'm glad that mess is over for now, I'll miss writing all the clever puns in my news stories. In all seriousness though, what the heck is up with our politicians?

If Americans are open-minded enough to elect a Black President, then there should be no problem with a Mormon one. Run Mitt Run!!

I'm seriously going to miss Oscar Goodman as our city's mayor.

I'm so far behind on The Bachelorette that I can't give an updated opinion other than J.P. is her soulmate and I hope next time they cast someone from Salt Lake City, the person isn't psychotic. Or a jerk.

I'm slightly more than a little tempted to go to the Electric Daisy Carnival. It's all over our newscasts, because two people have died there in two years... and they're bringing it to Vegas. So why would I want to go to a rave? Mainly to be part of the history that will inevitably occur, but I've always wanted to go to a hippie fest. One of the things to check off my to do list.

How am I this late in discovering how awesome Groupon is????

Believing vs. Knowing

I've come to the realization I believe plenty of things... but in all honesty, I really don't "know" how much is 100% true.

Admitting you really don't know something is scary. But sometimes, you just do it, either to get help, deflect blame, or get it out of the way. I'm a skeptical person by nature. When I write stories for the newscasts, I make sure I always attribute iffy facts to someone else, I'm not taking responsibility if it ends up not being true.

I feel like there's this really bad stigma that surrounds questioning things that you've always believed, but want to know if what you're believing is real. "Just have faith," people will say. If I ask a difficult question, I'm either told to pray about it, or just "know" things will work out for the best.

I think it's no secret I'm not the best example of an LDS person. Far from it. I'm fine on my belief in the Gospel... but I seriously struggle with the Church's stances on social issues. I struggle to the point where I start questioning if I really "believe" in what I think I do.

For example... I simply can't grasp the idea that my role in life is to be a full-time mom. I realize I'm walking a very fine line here, since about half the readers of this blog are. I'm not criticizing anyone's decision. I think it's a personal one every woman must make, with the best interest of her family in mind. But to lump every woman in the same category just because of their sex as the primary caregivers of children... like I said... I really have a hard time with this.

I could go on about other religious concerns I have, but that would take forever and quite frankly turn into a major downer.

So what do you do? What happens when you start questioning? Do you continue to believe because you're scared of what will happen if you stop? Do you really just go with it, hoping for the best? Or do you do what I've been doing, which is cutting and pasting the parts of my religion I like... and trying to avoid the parts that make me really uncomfortable. I know that makes me a major fence sitter and it's probably pretty hypocritical, but sometimes it's the best I can do.

It would be really helpful if church leaders were willing to openly discuss some issues. I've brought a few up, but I've always been brushed aside by a "just pray about it" or "the Prophet said so."

If you can honestly say, with 100% certainty, you know instead of believe... that's really good. I wish I were at that point. I have moments, but they're fleeting.

Sorry to take this out on this blog. There was another blog I used to write more touchy feely stuff on, but I haven't touched it in awhile. It's good to get this jumble of thoughts out. By all means, I'm not considering leaving the Church. I'm just trying to sort out some thoughts.

And I would really like to know how other people have dealt with faith concerns. The way people behave at church, you would think no one ever goes through them, but I bet I'm not the only one. Plus, you guys are friends! And I think people here are thankfully pretty open-minded.

Men can sew, who would have thought?

I know, right?
But before we get into that facinating phenomonon, let me backtrack.

We bought a REAL.COUCH. I've been wanting a REAL.COUCH. since, oh, I don't know, the day we moved into our first apartment? We didn't have a couch for almost the first two years, mainly because the apartments we lived in were too small for a couch AND Judd's gigantic LoveSac from his bachelor days. Plus, we figured anyone we invited over was friendly enough to snuggle up on that thing.

We bought the one-armed section of a sectional for the townhouse because we realized not everyone is cuddly. It was cheap, but cozy and functional. Plus, come on, one arm is totally artistic!

But still... I dreamed of the day we'd have a REAL.COUCH. to entertain our friends and family with. We finally had the room with this move. We went to the only place I'll ever buy furniture ever again... the RC Willey Scratch & Dent Center (well, warehouse, but everyone knows that's what it really is).

And we found this:



We're trying to decide whether the naughty Border Collie should be on the couch or not. I think we're leaning towards a cold hard NO.

So the reason the couch was at the Scratch & Dent center was because a few stitches had come up. Somehow... that took nearly $2000 off the price.

HECK YEAH, LET'S GET IT OUT OF HERE!!!

I figured someone, somehow, somewhere, would know how to fix this:



But with the new jobs and moving mess, I kind of put it in the back of my head. It would bug me occasionally, especially when Bindi would get her paw stuck in it and tear it some more.

But apparently, this was really bugging Judd. So yesterday... he gritted his teeth together... and busted out a sewing needle.

Seriously... I had no clue he could sew. I sure can't, other than maybe a button. Must have missed that Young Women's activity.

BUT HE CAN!!

And pretty well too!



The guy's talents never fail to amaze me. What a stud.

Day 7: A Picture Of Your Most Treasured Item

Yes... the five-year-old in me says my stuffed bunny, Lopsy, is my most treasured item.

I like her much more than any purse, computer, furniture piece, or clothing item I own. I've had my bunny since I was two years old. She went with me to college, on every vacation, and has lovingly sat on my bed since I was a tiny girl. She has been a source of comfort forever.

Lopsy now sits on a shelf. Two reasons: it's not so romantic having a stuffed bunny on the bed, and I have a dog that assumes every stuffed animals is hers to shred. But she's nice and safe there.

Perhaps someday I'll have a little kid who will make friends with this special bunny. That would be cool. I'll never be one of those parents who think it's time to "outgrow" a toy!