I hope this makes sense.

How am I feeling this morning? Frustrated, down, and kind of mad.

I posted an article over the weekend about women who are seeking more leadership opportunities in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You can read it here:

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/lifestyle/54704413-80/church-equality-female-general.html.csp?page=1

I thought it was really interesting, and I agreed with many points. I felt like I could relate to many of the women interviewed. My point was not to offend or bash the church in any way. Rather, I know these are issues so many women struggle with, myself included.

I said on Facebook I'd write more of my thoughts on this article. Instead, I think the more pressing story is why I took it down.

I posted this Friday night. By Saturday morning, I already had comments and private messages on it. Most were positive, but I did get a text from someone asking me to remove it. This came from someone who says she knows I have issues right now, but since we've never talked about it, I don't think she understands why. It was defensive in favor of the church, fearing I might give non-members the wrong idea.

I really didn't want to, but after dragging my feet on it (I did have A LOT going on that morning to be fair), I eventually took it down. It started off a chain reaction of people either worried they offended me, or people thinking I was brave to even open up the discussion.

I want to have more of these discussions. I want people to open up and talk about real issues. But now I'm scared to open up myself, because I might offend someone. Which is stupid, because I offend viewers every day with controversial stories not everyone likes. I'm trying to have these conversations tactfully, and I'm trying to not say things people will be hurt by. I've made some mistakes, so I'm really trying to not come off like I'm attacking anyone.

It just kind of brought everything back to square one for me, in feeling like I'm very much alone in my journey to figure out what I actually believe. It's not true, I've had some great friends (and husband) to vent to, but none of them are actually going through this. And now that I feel like I have to censure myself, I feel even lower.

And it goes so much more beyond a stupid Facebook post.

Can everyone just do me a huge favor? If you know for certain someone is struggling with faith, can you skip any accusations? It hurts more than I can explain to hear I don't have enough faith, I'm just not spiritual enough, I'm not really trying to make things better. The prophet/bishop knows better, just follow the council, etc. Maybe you should read/pray/go to church more.

It might be an attempt to get the person to feel "humility" and come back, but when I hear that, all I feel is humiliated and wonder why the heck I can't just believe.

The best you can do, in my advice, is just listen, show your concern, and offer love and support. I'm truly thankful to the people who have been there for me in this.

I'm doing the best I can. I can't unread what I read, and unlearn what I learned. So I'm just trying to move forward and decide for myself what I believe in. I don't want to leave. I just have to make it work.

UPDATE: I just read this back again. It comes off like I'm complaining too much. I'm really a happy person! I'm not angry at anyone, and I really don't want to intentionally offend. I'm just trying to work through this, and writing/venting helps.