If there's no room for them, there's no room for me.

Wednesday I learned the heartbreaking news that  John Dehlin and Kate Kelly are facing church discipline and excommunication for their actions. I wasn't shocked at the news, but I am very, very sad.

If  you've LDS and have never heard of John Dehlin, I envy you. This means you are probably very satisfied and happy in your faith. It means you probably have never googled "uncomfortable at LDS church" and landed on his website. It means you've probably never struggled with the agonizing decision to leave the religion you were raised in, and turned to his kind suggestions on how to stay involved.

If you're LDS, you might not know Kate Kelly by name, but you've probably heard of the movement she leads, Ordain Women. If you've brushed this off as crazy outspoken women who are out to cause problems, I question if you actually understand what the movement is about. And if you honestly believe all women are happy and equal at church, I wonder if you feel any empathy to the thousands who don't agree.

It's no secret to my family and friends that I have really struggled over the last few years with the church. What was supposed to be only a few month break stretched into a few years. I'm not going to lie, it's been a huge burden off my shoulders. I was really unhappy at church, mainly because I didn't feel valued as a woman. Combined with some serious doctrinal and historical issues, it's been a relief to not have an internal debate every Sunday with what I believed verses how I felt.

But over the past few months, I wondered if I was doing my son a serious disservice by not having that church community. It's one aspect I missed from the church. I've felt spiritually depleted as well. I've wondered if I should go back, and try to make it work.

John Dehlin and Kate Kelly have given me hope that there are like-minded people who feel as I do. They've been brave enough to provide a forum for people to discuss the issues, and try to enact change. I've learned a lot on Dehlin's site, and have met kindred spirits through the Ordain Women movement. I think the irony of this possible excommunication is that these two have been working to keep people with differing opinions in the church.

But with the news of their possible excommunications, I feel defeated. This sends a very strong message: If there's no room for them, there's no room for me.

I've been saddened by the many Facebook and other social media posts, where members say things like "Good riddance," "take the rest with you," or other hurtful comments. If non-members could see some of the terrible things I'm seeing, I seriously doubt they'd want to join a church that appears a) sexist, and b) hateful. There is a long history of changes that have happened because members spoke up. These movements are in existence because sometimes, it works.

This church is supposed to be full of "particular people". But what about the particular people within the particular people? Those who cannot fit in the mold, those who have questions, see the pain, and try to do something about it? It's easy for TBMs to brush them off and say go find another church. But it's not that simple. When we have families and history invested there, it's really difficult to just pick up and walk away. But that's probably what I will end up doing.

Is it too much to ask for women to have the same leadership roles men have? Is it too much to accept if GLBT members have an opportunity to live authentic lives? Is it too much to fathom that someday this church will focus less on stringent policies, endless meetings, and busy work, and more on Jesus and the community (the actual community, not just people in the ward/stake)?

I don't think so. And I know there's thousands who agree. They may appear happy and  completely satisfied at church, but inside, they're hurting too. I've been shocked at the number of people who have reached out to me and said they felt the same way, I would have never guessed. It's clear that these are the reasons people want to leave. Not because they are lazy, not because they want to sin. It's because there is no room for them.

And what makes it even more heartbreaking is that those who want to stay, are just being forced out anyway.

John Dehlin's Mormon Stories:
 http://mormonstories.org/john-dehlin/

Ordain Women (10 points if you find my profile):
http://ordainwomen.org/