I hope this makes sense.

How am I feeling this morning? Frustrated, down, and kind of mad.

I posted an article over the weekend about women who are seeking more leadership opportunities in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You can read it here:

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/lifestyle/54704413-80/church-equality-female-general.html.csp?page=1

I thought it was really interesting, and I agreed with many points. I felt like I could relate to many of the women interviewed. My point was not to offend or bash the church in any way. Rather, I know these are issues so many women struggle with, myself included.

I said on Facebook I'd write more of my thoughts on this article. Instead, I think the more pressing story is why I took it down.

I posted this Friday night. By Saturday morning, I already had comments and private messages on it. Most were positive, but I did get a text from someone asking me to remove it. This came from someone who says she knows I have issues right now, but since we've never talked about it, I don't think she understands why. It was defensive in favor of the church, fearing I might give non-members the wrong idea.

I really didn't want to, but after dragging my feet on it (I did have A LOT going on that morning to be fair), I eventually took it down. It started off a chain reaction of people either worried they offended me, or people thinking I was brave to even open up the discussion.

I want to have more of these discussions. I want people to open up and talk about real issues. But now I'm scared to open up myself, because I might offend someone. Which is stupid, because I offend viewers every day with controversial stories not everyone likes. I'm trying to have these conversations tactfully, and I'm trying to not say things people will be hurt by. I've made some mistakes, so I'm really trying to not come off like I'm attacking anyone.

It just kind of brought everything back to square one for me, in feeling like I'm very much alone in my journey to figure out what I actually believe. It's not true, I've had some great friends (and husband) to vent to, but none of them are actually going through this. And now that I feel like I have to censure myself, I feel even lower.

And it goes so much more beyond a stupid Facebook post.

Can everyone just do me a huge favor? If you know for certain someone is struggling with faith, can you skip any accusations? It hurts more than I can explain to hear I don't have enough faith, I'm just not spiritual enough, I'm not really trying to make things better. The prophet/bishop knows better, just follow the council, etc. Maybe you should read/pray/go to church more.

It might be an attempt to get the person to feel "humility" and come back, but when I hear that, all I feel is humiliated and wonder why the heck I can't just believe.

The best you can do, in my advice, is just listen, show your concern, and offer love and support. I'm truly thankful to the people who have been there for me in this.

I'm doing the best I can. I can't unread what I read, and unlearn what I learned. So I'm just trying to move forward and decide for myself what I believe in. I don't want to leave. I just have to make it work.

UPDATE: I just read this back again. It comes off like I'm complaining too much. I'm really a happy person! I'm not angry at anyone, and I really don't want to intentionally offend. I'm just trying to work through this, and writing/venting helps.

New Jobs, new opportunities

Life's jumping ahead of me! I can barely keep up with everything that's going on these days. But I'm enjoying the ride.
So we both got new jobs recently. Judd is at a new firm, teaching people how to be computer and design geniuses like him. Ok, that's a stretch, but he's getting to travel and meet lots of people. I'm hoping it's our ticket out of Las Vegas someday since they have offices in several other states. Plus they're helping with the design of the Disney Castle in Shenghai, so I have a crazy fantasy that we'll become a cool international family who lives abroad.
But that's going to have to wait a bit. I also have a new position! Same station, but now I'm the producer of a much bigger show! Before, it was just the 4:30 a.m. Fun, a good show to learn on. Now I'm the 7-9 a.m. Producer! It's crazy busy all the time. My show is a little more entertainment based than a typical newscast, we have a ton of guests that come on, and we tend to keep things more lighthearted and fun! I'm working with a great team, thankfully, since this isn't the easiest job to learn. I went back and forth on whether to take this show for a few weeks, mostly because I was kind of intimidated by it. But now that I'm kind of used to it, it's becoming easier. I'm sticking with my mantra: I CAN do hard things!
So if you're in Vegas or have the FOX5 app, it's FOX5 News Live in Las Vegas, from 7-9 a.m. Hey, I'd be an awful producer if I didn't do a little shameless promotion of my show!
We're really excited and thankful for these new changes. Once we get settled in, we can start figuring out the next big change to hopefully come our way. Yes, that was a Pre-announcement. ;)